Last year, I felt like I wrote some great posts for this challenge, but this year, I think I struggled. There could be many reasons for this struggle. Last year, I would make myself sit down at a coffee shop and concentrate on writing; it was a very expensive month. This year I didn’t do that; I found myself writing on couches, at my desk, and even on my phone in between real life. I’m sure there are other reasons, but I really don’t want to overthink them today.
See, today has been one of those bad anxiety days. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, I’ll try to explain. Anxiety is pretty common. I know many people who have it, but I feel like a lot of people misinterpret stress as anxiety. In my own experience, stress and anxiety are two very different things.
Stress – a feeling of tension or strain when under pressure, but is usually relieved with pressure is lifted or event is complete.
Anxiety – an overwhelming feeling of worry, apprehension, or panic that never leaves, but increases intensity based on events known or unknown by persons with said feelings.
Today, I woke up feeling okay, but my mind quickly started to go in circles, my heart beat increased to keep up with the laps, and my body started to sweat as if I was actually running. These physical reactions and mental miles normally occur with little to no warning. Those circles are all the what-if questions. You may think to ask, “what are you questioning?” and I wouldn’t even know how to answer. My mind is questioning, analyzing, and re-living events that may have happened 15 years ago or maybe what I typed in a text the other day or people I’ve had, lost or currently have and don’t want to lose, in my life, or what all of these things combine mean for my future.
Sometimes these anxious feelings only last a few minutes, but sometimes they can last upwards of a few days. Sometimes I can get myself out of them by distracting myself with positive people in my life or things to do, but when days like today happen, when I don’t have plans with anyone and only things to do alone, there is no distracting my mind.
An ex once told me that [school] breaks aren’t good for me; that I need to stay busy because “I go nuts”. I’m starting to think that he may have been on to something. When I’m alone and having a bad anxiety day, I turn small situations into huge historical events without saying or doing anything – it’s all in my mind.
It’s like having your own horrible reality TV show on 24/7 and you can’t turn down the volume. It’s like reliving every mistake or tough decision (positive or negative) you made, even mistakes from when you were 10 years old…like the time you were supposed to serve your mom and dad cake first at the Girl Scout award ceremony and you forgot.
I know I must sound absolutely insane right about now, but I know I’m not the only one out there who has days, or even weeks, like this.
Today has been a rough day, but not in the way that many others would describe as a rough day. I accomplished many things: I showered, I cleaned my room, I purged, I picked out my hair cut that I’m getting on Saturday, and I tried cheesecake for the first time. Normally, I would call that a good, productive day, but not today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.