There’s a saying, Someecard, or meme somewhere that says something along the lines of: “Imagine having 8,283,857 tabs open on your computer-that’s a teacher’s brain.” Okay, I may be exaggerating the number a bit…but today, this week, right now- I have that many tabs open in my brain:
“I want to drink my tea. It’s too hot. Wait. You need to send permission slips home for three different field trips. When are they due by? I have a paper under my desk that fell earlier today- I need it. Did I send home the flyer I made? I’m hungry. No, I’m not. Focus. I need to write three new goals. Email that person back. How will I implement that thing into reading? I need to change the reading center. Centers..reform..I need to re-do them. Stop, they are just fine. I wonder if my tea had cooled down. Nope. Still hot. My phone is going to die. I should get my charger. Maybe this goal will work. I need to laminate that one thing…make that three things. Dishes. I need to do dishes. What am I going to wear tomorrow? Tea is still hot. The goals – focus on the goals. Where did I put my paper? Oh right, it fell under my desk. Is the tea cool yet?”
The challenge is to write everyday for the month of March, as we all know. The past two years I did really well and wrote every day. This year is proving to be a different story. I could list all my excuses, but they are just that-excuses. So, I’m starting over. March 19th. Let’s try this again:
I ate a lot of mashed potatoes today. Not the real kind. The kind that come in a box and you can add as much butter and cheese as you want. I added a lot of vegan butter, vegan cheese, and just to make myself feel better about eating this way, I added a couple cups of frozen mixed veggies. I ate the whole thing. It was at least three servings. I eat mashed potatoes when I need comfort. They are one of the best, if not THE best comfort food out there. I’ve had mashed potatoes two days in a row now and that’s not good. It’s not healthy to eat 6 servings of mashed potatoes in such a short time period. I eat mashed potatoes when I need control over something. It’s like the day to day version of getting the breakup haircut. I just needed to be in control again. I’m clearly making mashed potatoes sound much more dramatic, but over the past four days, the drama in my life increased just a tad. Therefore, my mashed potatoes servings did, too.
A few weeks ago I discovered a song called 1950 by King Princess and I instantly fell in love with the voice coming out of my speakers, singing so effortlessly. There are some songs that speak to me lyrically, but others that I can feel run through my entire body. I felt this in my bones. It’s a feeling that I find to be pretty indescribable. I want to call the feeling smooth, suffocating, and slightly sultry. Music has a way of making me feel an entire spectrum of emotions- serene to illuminated.
There’s nothing like hot tea to calm me and an elephant blanket to keep me safe and warm. Filling my cup was never so comfy. I’d write more, but I just want to be in this moment.
Someone once sent me an image of the quote, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. At the time, I was more concerned with filling their cup, than taking a step back and letting them figure out how to fill their own cup. It wasn’t until recent when I realized that I’ve been constantly pouring out of a cup that I wasn’t refilling. I’m a much better “pour-er” than “refill-er”. I have a really hard time saying “no”: you need something, I’ll get it, you want me to do something, I’ll do it, you want me to sacrifice my life for yours, you got it. You don’t even need to ask- I will do anything to make you happy. It wasn’t until I realized that I had done so much without any expectation of anything in return, that I found myself with literally nothing other than an empty cup. I look back now and although I would never wish for that time to be erased, I wish I wouldn’t have been so blinded by my own desire to make someone happy, to show them love, and to help them see what I saw when I looked at them. I wish I would’ve taken the hint and used my time to fill my own cup and recognize my own value. Lucky for me, not so much for those entering my life now, I have a higher self-worth, value, appreciation, and a cup that’s almost full. I won’t settle. So, cheers, to filling your own cup.
Today felt like a sugar crash. So hyped up from the weekend, that the realities of going back to work hit me like a wall of bricks. Only the wall kept throwing bricks the entire day. I ended up crashing on my couch come 4:30 and just laid there. I had no desire to move, be productive, or even get up to close my window. It took a couple episodes of my current binge for me to finally gain the strength to close the window and grab another blanket before falling onto the couch again. This may sound dramatic, but my pint of dairy-free Ben and Jerry’s says differently. These are the nights when I don’t check my phone, don’t care that it died, and don’t bother plugging it in. These are the nights when I don’t check my Facebook or Instagram- I don’t want to see the all the fascinating, exciting, adventurous lives everyone seems to live. I just want to be alone. The logical part of me knows this isn’t healthy and I should go for a walk, try some yoga, meditate, write about it, but then there’s this other part that laughs at those ideas and just doesn’t care and despite my efforts, I always end up back on the couch. It’s almost 8 o’clock and I’m exhausted from laying on the couch. I’ll head to bed, call tonight a draw, and try again tomorrow.
Please tell me there’s someone else out there who “gets it”. I hate letting these nights happen; we aren’t promised tomorrow and I’d hate for my last night to be one where I was on my couch, refusing to move, and stuck in my own head, but sometimes I feel like it’s out of my control.
Important Note: I just realized that my last few comments on the Two Writing Teachers blog post were not successfully posted. I don’t know what happened other than I posted them on my phone and not my computer- maybe I exited out of the screen before it finished submitting? I don’t know, but I have been slicing!
I needed this weekend. I needed a break. This weekend was the most effortless fun I’ve had in a long time. There’s just something about being with a friend you’ve had your entire life, eating your weight in amazing food, drinking the night away, and listening to live music. My life long friend came to visit this weekend. She knows everything about me. I can be my most authentic self with her. I try to always stay true to myself, but there’s something about being around someone you’ve known your who life that makes you realize how many walls are up even when being true to yourself. I don’t think I’m explaining this well, but there’s just something about our friendship that makes me feel more alive, genuine, and just happy.
We started the weekend with tequila, tacos, and talking. We stayed in after dinner and talked until we fell asleep.
We continued the weekend with a lunch date with my mom, bourbon, and amazing food. We went shopping after indulging and bought matching skirts. (Yes, we are in our late 20’s and still buy matching clothes.) We dropped off my mom, went back to my apartment, and napped. We came across this Irish band that was playing at a local bar and decided to freshened up and walk over. We had a few drinks, listened to amazing music, and made friends with a couple of the band members. We stumbled home and fell asleep on the couch.
We ended the weekend with ibuprofen, Thai food, and a few hours of Netflix.
We may have ate and drank our weight and realized why it’s a good thing we don’t live together anymore (we were college roommates and we both gained a bit of weight from our love of food), but we had an amazing weekend.
True friends like her only come around once or twice in a lifetime; hold on to them.