Slice of Hope 

Against all logic, I still have hope. 

Hope that it’s all worth it. 

Hope that I’ll have many failures that lead to success. 

Hope that I’ll never lose my desire for learning. 

Hope that my passion will continue to ignite my creativity.

Hope that I’ll see the beauty that others see within me. 

 Hope that I’ll continue to change lives and leave a lasting impact on people and places around me. 

Hope that I’ll grow, explore, and never lose my sense of wonder (yes, that is an “I Hope You Dance” quote). 

Hope that I will continue to have amazing friends in my life. 

Hope that my family will continue to grow together.

Hope that you will find peace within yourself and answers to all your questions. 

Hope that you wake up every morning knowing there is someone who cares for you. 

Hope that  your life is full of love, laughter, passion, and happiness. 

Hope that  you never take for granted those who love you. 

Hope that you have the strength to continually rediscover yourself, your desires and passions. 

Hope that lasts you until next March. 

It’s been a wonderful journey, thank you for being apart of it-all the way to the last slice. 

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Probably Too Personal

Last year, I felt like I wrote some great posts for this challenge, but this year, I think I struggled. There could be many reasons for this struggle. Last year, I would make myself sit down at a coffee shop and concentrate on writing; it was a very expensive month. This year I didn’t do that; I found myself writing on couches, at my desk, and even on my phone in between real life. I’m sure there are other reasons, but I really don’t want to overthink them today.

See, today has been one of those bad anxiety days. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, I’ll try to explain. Anxiety is pretty common. I know many people who have it, but I feel like a lot of people misinterpret stress as anxiety. In my own experience, stress and anxiety are two very different things.

Stress – a feeling of tension or strain when under pressure, but is usually relieved with pressure is lifted or event is complete.

Anxiety  – an overwhelming feeling of worry, apprehension, or panic that never leaves, but increases intensity based on events known or unknown by persons with said feelings.

Today, I woke up feeling okay, but my mind quickly started to go in circles, my heart beat increased to keep up with the laps, and my body started to sweat as if I was actually running. These physical reactions and mental miles normally occur with little to no warning. Those circles are all the what-if questions. You may think to ask, “what are you questioning?”  and I wouldn’t even know how to answer.  My mind is questioning, analyzing, and re-living events that may have happened 15 years ago or maybe what I typed in a text the other day or people I’ve had, lost or currently have and don’t want to lose, in my life, or what all of these things combine mean for my future.

Sometimes these anxious feelings only last a few minutes, but sometimes they can last upwards of a few days. Sometimes I can get myself out of them by distracting myself with positive people in my life or things to do, but when days like today happen, when I don’t have plans with anyone and only things to do alone, there is no distracting my mind.

An ex once told me that [school] breaks aren’t good for me; that I need to stay busy because “I go nuts”. I’m starting to think that he may have been on to something. When I’m alone and having a bad anxiety day, I turn small situations into huge historical events without saying or doing anything – it’s all in my mind.

It’s like having your own horrible reality TV show on 24/7 and you can’t turn down the volume. It’s like reliving every mistake or tough decision (positive or negative) you made, even mistakes from when you were 10 years old…like the time you were supposed to serve your mom and dad cake first at the Girl Scout award ceremony and you forgot.

I know I must sound absolutely insane right about now, but I know I’m not the only one out there who has days, or even weeks, like this.

Today has been a rough day, but not in the way that many others would describe as a rough day. I accomplished many things: I showered, I cleaned my room, I purged, I picked out my hair cut that I’m getting on Saturday,  and I tried cheesecake for the first time. Normally, I would call that a good, productive day, but not today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Role Model 

Ever have one of those moments when you lay down, not expecting to fall asleep, but you do, and you wake up when it’s pitch black and you have no idea what time it is or what day it is? 

Well, that was me about 10 minutes ago. 

I spent today hanging out with two awesome kiddos and one of my biggest role models, their mother. Their mother, Kate, used to babysit me and my brothers for most of our childhood. I grew so attached  to her that I made babysitting me something out of a horror story for anyone else. Yes, I was a huge brat. Kate taught me many things while babysitting me, probably a lot more than I realize, but here’s one I always remember:

If you jump in the same place over and over again you’ll fall through the floor and get stuck. 

Kate went off to college to become a teacher and many years later I followed in her exact footsteps. I went to the same schools and earned similar degrees. During the time she was teaching, I would help her grade, work in her classroom, and even got to meet her students. She was everything I wanted to be. She even moved to Portland, which was my “I’ll move here after college” plan. 

Many years later, here we are…still in touch and still getting together. Spending time with her and her kiddos is one of the most wonderful gifts life could’ve given me.  How amazing is it that 24 years later we are still in each other’s lives? She is still one of my greatest role models. 

Power Hour

90’s Power Hours.

If you don’t know, a Power Hour is an hour long Youtube video made up of a compilation of themed songs. In tonight’s case, those songs were all songs played during the late 90’s and early 2000’s. These songs only last a minute or less and are separated by a cartoon image of a hand opening a can. During that time, the people playing the game are to take a drink of their “pop”.

90’s Power Hours are my favorite. Not only because of the songs they play, but because of the memories they reignite. I think it’s absolutely crazy how I can remember the lyrics of a song that aired when I was in my early teens, but I can’t remember what I need to do tomorrow or what I ate last night.

Coming down 

This past weekend was beyond amazing. I saw four of the greatest people in my life, relived the “glory days”, and ate my favorite food in the world. 

As happy as I was today to wake up in my bed, have my own bathroom back, and feel at home, throughout the day I had this blah feeling. Blah is truly the best way to it. 

 I felt more like my happy self this past weekend then I’ve felt in a long, long time. I wasn’t worried about work or other adult things that had started to consume my life. I was living in the moment and finally felt like I could just be me. 

Today, it was back to reality. Luckily, I didn’t have to work, but that almost made coming down from this high even more difficult. 

Maybe I need to change my day to day in order to feel that natural high more often. 

Brief Spontaneous Adventure

Total hours driving: 6.5 
Old friends we saw: 2

Alumni College buildings we walked through: 4

Amount of Thai food consumed: $45 

Today, my friend (who I talked about in my last post) and I decided to drive to our old college town instead of going home. It was the best decision we could’ve made. 

Seeing old friends, eating Thai, and walking through campus was just what we needed to top off this adventurous weekend. 

soulmate

I met my soulmate in college.

I was wandering Buzzard Hall looking for my class. I had already walked up and down the hall when I saw a girl I had never seen before.

Growing anxious that I was going to be late to this class even though I was still 10 minutes early, I nervously approached this girl. I somehow was able to get the words out to ask if she knew where this class was and to my surprise, she was also in this class. We walked in together and I sat down next to her.

I don’t exactly remember how that moment turned into spending almost every day together for the rest of college, but it did. This girl became my best friend, my support system, my partner in crime, my travel buddy, and my soulmate.

That one moment in a hallway changed the rest of my college experience. Actually, that moment changed my life. I have the best, best friend in the world. She gets me more than I get myself. She lifts my spirits with just a “hello”. She listens to my rants, gives perfect advice, and tells me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear. She compliments my weird. I could go on for hours, but she’s sitting next to me and we need to get back to hanging out with our friend (also from that class).

Soulmate is really the only way to describe her.

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